A glimpse into my new devotional "ENOUGH" (Coming Soon)
“For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want”- Galatians 5:17
Morning after morning I sat pondering what I should do. The relationship I was in was unhealthy, chaotic, and sinful. I did not like to use the word “sinful” because it carried with it a deeper weight. I already felt like I had enough burden on my shoulders. My mind was always racing with thoughts I believed I had no control over. I felt helpless and bound in an obsessive relationship that kept me believing I was too far in to let go. A circular pattern had been constructed, drawing us into the same arguments and willingness to move beyond the issue; and a pendulum remained that drew me from feeling so close to him, and pulling me away at the same time.
I felt conflicted. Part of me wanted to remain and see what could happen. I could picture a possible connecting relationship, if I was willing to see beyond the pain and triggers and things I was missing. Then there were moments that I could not mistake the desire to run far away and not look back. I wondered if there was hope on the other side for something far more meaningful.
Time and again I was afraid of the pain from saying goodbye. I could look back at all the people in my life I had ended relationships with and remember how God held me close during the healing process. He had brought me through before, and yet I was struggling to believe that He would do it again. With sin comes consequence, and I kept wondering if this was the “too far” moment, and His Grace would not cover me this time. Perhaps my heart would shatter beyond repair. Somehow, staying where I was seemed so much easier.
This battle in my mind kept me believing that I was conflicted about what God wanted me to do. My focus on my emotion and the specific feelings surrounding the relationship as well as the potential loss of the relationship kept me blinded from the truth. Until one day, God spoke to me through His word and His Spirit. The conflict was not about what God was asking me to do. He had already given me instruction. The conflict was between what I already knew needed to be done, and what my flesh desired. Now, I had to become willing to obey.
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